Accepting my Greatest fear 💞

I turned 40 last month, and I have to admit that I had a lot of mixed feelings about it. It seemed like time had just flown by. I even got a little depressed over it, which probably sounds silly. I had heard other women say that turning 40 was the best thing that’s ever happened to them, which confused me.

I was terrified to turn 40, maybe it was because the past decade of my life had been so chaotic at times. Now, I would be entering a new phase of my life, and I had no idea what I was in for. I think I have figured out why 40 really isn’t that bad, actually I truly believe that it is more of a blessing.

I don’t know about you, but my teenage years were horrible!! I refer to them as my “awkward years.” You’re not only trying to find your way, but you’re killing yourself trying to impress other’s, no matter what the cost.

When you get into your 20’s, you’re trying so hard to figure out who you are. And all that time and energy gets you no where, because you’re constantly making mistakes. In my case -A LOT- of mistakes!! Mistakes that your parents pray you learn something from!! Honestly, most of my 20’s are a blur. Except the life-changing experiences, like marrying my soul mate and best friend, and being blessed with the last two of our three beautiful children.

Once you get into your 30’s you’re trying to figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. You think- am I happy where I am at this point in my life? Do I want to do more? Do I want to see more? Do I want a change of pace? (Which in my case meant throwing myself into college after college. Getting an associate’s and bachelor’s degree in criminal justice. Why? Because I wanted to change the world, lololol!! All those years of experience and learning just to switch to a Graduate Certification Degree in Mental Health Counseling. Why? Because I love trying to help other’s to find their way. Which I really do have a passion for, unfortunately it wasn’t in the cards for me).

This gets you thinking hard about the future, and what’s to come. All this time you’re trying to fit in, be pretty enough, feel wanted and attractive, get an amazing education; be the best wife and mother, and so on. That’s so much pressure for a woman!! Then, the next thing you know you’re 40.

I thought that once I turned 40 everything would go downhill super fast. I thought I would lose who I am, I would feel old, I would be less fun (if you know me- than you know I’m a smart@$$, and I’m really good at it!!). I thought I would be/feel less pretty, maybe undesirable to my husband, and so on.

But none of that happened. Instead, I feel wonderful, yes I have a lot going on in my life that normally I wouldn’t go through for another decade or two (early onset of menopause, gastrointestinal disorders, osteoporosis, osteoarthritis, chronic pain, mental health issues, and on and on and on-seriously the list is so long, I can’t even remember everything that’s wrong with me!!!!).

But the other day I realized that I had made goals around the beginning of this year. My biggest goal was to concentrate on my health. I have stuck to my goals, even when I have to take time off to care for my body, I get back out there ASAP. Once I’ve achieved a goal I make a new one. Because of this, I have lost a lot of weight, seriously, I have lost like a half of a person. I’m able to control my moods so much better than I ever have in the past. When I get angry or upset I am able to drown out the bad thoughts with either music or prayers, sometimes both.

I am getting older, and that’s a wonderful blessing! Because I get to have another day here, with my beautiful family and friends. So, if you’re ever afraid of getting older just remember, you really are as old as you believe you are. I might be 40, but I make 40 look pretty good ❤️

Broken…

I don’t know why I chose to write this. Maybe it’s because I’m having an especially hard time, or maybe it’s because someone else out there is hurting in a similar way, and they need to know that they’re not alone.

This is who I am. And I guarantee that 99% of you, really don’t know me at all…

I deal with so many things on a daily basis, and I have no control over any of it. I sit alone in my bedroom and cry, because sometimes I feel like I’m going to break into a million pieces. You know who I am, but you don’t know me. The only person who knows who I am inside and out is my husband.

He’s had to hold my hand and hug me so tight so that all I can feel is pressure, because the pressure helps to relieve the pain- both emotional and physical. He’s had to see me cry, he’s had to hear my screams, he’s had to be the one that I push all of my anger and frustration on. He’s seen me at my best, which explains why he can handle my worst. Getting overwhelmed is all too easy and familiar.

Sometimes there’s a rage of emotions that even I can’t explain, I literally black out after I’ve lost my will to stay calm. Sometimes I’m quite, staring off into nothing, hating all of the things I’ve had to endure, wishing it would all just end; praying for peace in my heart and mind. When it doesn’t come I curse God, I curse God for cursing me with this neverending battle that I didn’t choose to fight. I curse God for all the anxiety, pain and panic that he’s given me.

I wonder how he could give me so much pain, and expect me to praise and worship his holy name. I know that other people suffer, and I should be grateful, but how much more do I have to bare? Maybe you know nothing about my mental illnesses, maybe you don’t know how much physical pain I’m in 24/7, maybe you don’t know what it’s like to start menopause before you even turn 40 years of age.

If you don’t know, then be grateful. And if you don’t know, then you don’t know me. All of these things all crumpled together, I’m a ticking time bomb and when I go off, I go off. It’s nobody’s fault, especially my husband’s. He’s stayed by my side through everything.

He tries so hard to help me, and when he asks “what’s wrong”, my response is “nothing”. How can I explain what’s wrong when there’s constant thoughts running through my head at a million miles an hour, replaying over and over again? It’s a nightmare without an ending. It’s exhausting, it’s frustrating, it’s enough to make me want to give in to a sweet silence that I’ll never come back from.

There’s no peace, not one day that goes by where I’m able to just not think and think and think. I think about everything, and usually it all ends in a worst case scenario, why? Because my mind doesn’t know peace. I want to be able to leave my home and enjoy something, anything. But then I either talk myself out of it, or I do go and the entire time I just want to go back home.

I constantly worry about my children, every worry a mother can have replays through my mind until they are at home where it is safe. I still worry even in the safety of our own home. I constantly wonder why my husband stays by my side, and if he had known what our lives would look like 18 years ago before we said our vows, would he still want to be by my side? Would this be the path he would have chosen? Because I sure as hell wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t.

Everything he’s been through with me, I never want to hurt him. I want him to always know even on the worst days that I love him more than anything in this world. I would give my life for him and his happiness. I want him to know that I would never purposely hurt him, I want to protect him from my brokenness. He deserves so much more than I can give. His patience is astounding.

Knowing that my kids and husband have to see my pain is heartbreaking. I want to protect them, I want to protect them from me. I’ll stay in bed, secluded so they don’t have to see the bad. I want to be free from all the pain, all the suffering. I want a life filled with love, joy, peace and happiness. Through the bad times I need my family to know that I appreciate them, I love them, I will always be here for them, even in the darkest hours.

They don’t know that I stand over my box of over 20 medications with plenty of meds inside, uncontrollable tears flowing from my eyes, thinking about how easy it would be, a peaceful neverending sleep. But I can’t, because no matter how awful it gets, I think of them. I think of all of the good things that I would never see, do, or be a part of. I want to live, I want to grow old with my husband and be surrounded by our grandbabies. My husband and my children are my life vest.

For anyone out there who thinks that suicide is the easy way out, or that someone is weak for taking their own life, shame on you. If you think that a decision like that is easy, then you need to get down on your knees and praise God, because you have obviously never been that far gone. Suicide isn’t a joke, it’s real. Don’t be judgmental until you’ve walked in the shoes of a person who fights for their life every single exhausting day.

Again, I have no idea why I decided to share this with you. Maybe it’s because I’m losing my faith and somehow this will help to restore it. Maybe it’s because I’m not alone, which means that somewhere out there someone else knows this road. And maybe they need to know that there’s someone else out there who knows what it’s like to carry these burdens. And hopefully it will give them the strength to be honest without feeling ashamed. Most likely though, it’s probably because I know once people see how long this post is, they will scroll by without reading it. At least I tried, at least I can be honest without feeling ashamed.

Love,
Tiffany…the person you didn’t know

Happy Mother’s Day

Tomorrow I’ll be celebrating being a mother. I’ve been a mother for nearly 22 years, that blows my mind. I have three children, the oldest is being a typical 21 year old, she definitely keeps me on my toes, lol. My youngest daughter will be off to college next year and this year my baby boy starts middle school.

When I was younger my mom told me to stop wishing for time to go by quickly, because one day I would give anything to slow time down. She was so right! I can’t believe how fast time has gone. I could be a grandma!! But, I still see my life as it was a decade ago, my thirties are coming to an end and I can’t even remember the ride?

My son, my little guy who was the biggest momma’s boy, he’s taller than me now, I actually have to look up to look him in the eye! These children, they and my husband, have been the best blessing in my life.

I wouldn’t change a thing, even though there are things I do wish I could erase sometimes. Anyway, I’m happy. I’m blessed. And, even though sometimes it seems a little scary, I can’t wait to see what the future holds…❤️

Happiness… Please Come Home

I have been trying so hard to just go with it, to be patient, and wait for that positive change to finally happen. It’s not happening. I hate this so much, I hate how angry it makes me when things seem so f#$&ing wrong. I know that all good things come to those who wait, I know that I have to wait for the Lord to bless me in his time.

I’m trying so hard to not get angry with the Lord and instead run to him for comfort. This always happens, same way, say feelings, every time! I do good for a while, then I start to get a little annoyed, and then I get pissed. I don’t want to feel this way, I can’t stand it.

The worst part is that it fluctuates, I might feel perfectly fine and the next second I’m so angry. I just want that happy feeling to come back home.

And it will, when it’s time to come home…

Truly Yours…

When we go through this life we face many challenges, hardships, changes and craziness. We also find love. Sometimes it is not the right love, but if you’re truly blessed, you get a once in a lifetime chance to experience true and pure love. This love is like nothing else, it’s so extreme that if you had to imagine life without it, you can actually feel the pain of being apart from it.

Sometimes you may forget how amazing this love is, then you are reminded by something so small and insignificant. You fear this love sometimes because you know if it was taken from you, you would just want it all to end. You can’t imagine how you could keep going, how you could ever smile or feel happiness ever again. So, instead of thinking about it- we don’t, which is wrong to do. If you stop thinking about that love, then you forget to nurture it, and then you face the reality of losing it.

True love needs to be celebrated everyday, it needs recognition everyday, not just every so often. If you have found your true love, hang on tight with all the strength you can muster. Don’t let go, acknowledge it every single day, every single minute and every single second. Love is amazingly beautiful, and without it we’re nothing.

Don’t be a Grinch

I came across a post on Facebook the other day that was about Jesus, and how he died so that we may be forgiven for the many sins we commit throughout our lifetime. Most of the one million plus replies were positive, some even inspiring, but one gentleman strongly disagreed. He stated that those who believe in such nonsense were just simple people with simple minds. After his post there were many replies that followed arguing with the man, and he wasn’t shy about expressing his opinions more.

The first thought that came to my mind was…if you don’t believe then why take the time to even bother with this? To me it was clear that this man’s mission was simply to get a rise out of the other people posting. He had a come back for everything. I truly think he found a state of satisfaction with every new argument, becoming more hurtful and mean with each new reply. I don’t believe that it is my job to shove my religion and beliefs down other people’s throats.

I know that some people have no beliefs, and that is fine, that is their burden, their cross to bare. When I see an opportunity to fellowship with someone, I take advantage and go for it. Basically, I know that the Lord has a plan for me, and if I’m meant to witness or to share my experience, then I take the opportunity with a happy heart. Back to the post, honestly it wasn’t the man’s opinions and views that got to me, it was the replies.

If a person is truly living a Christ-like life, then that person knows that everyone comes to the Lord in their own time, and it cannot be forced. The replies ranged from… you’re going to burn in hell, but I’ll pray for you…the devil’s got you and soon you’ll be burning in an eternal flame of pain, just wishing you had been a better person…to much worse, and sadly to even more hateful and mean comments. I’m sorry but shame on you! That is not how you help to lead someone to the Lord, and how dare you say that you are living a Christ- like life.

Do these people really believe that is how the Lord would want us to behave? Is that how a person shows what Christianity truly is? What a shame, it honestly breaks my heart to see how humanity has lost it’s focus on how to follow in the Lord’s path.

Blinders

Christmas has always been my favorite season. I love the idea of being with family and celebrating the most important day of the year. This day isn’t about how much money you spend, it’s about celebrating our saviours birth, and it’s about taking the time to let those in your life know how much you love and care for them. This year has been the hardest in quite a while.

A few months ago my oldest daughter (she’s 21) started to blame me as well as my husband, her step-dad who raised her, for every tiny thing that has ever gone wrong in her life. Her biological father came into the picture back when the government found him and finally started to get the child support going, he owes a lot, still collecting to this day. When he came back into her life he made my husband and myself out to be terrible parents who stole her away and with held her from him, complete lie. He’s enjoyed this, and the part that bothers me the most is that my husband raised this girl as his own.

My husband provided her with food, shelter, clothing, health care, and most importantly; love. Now for some reason we are in her cross hairs, the awful parents who just threw her to the curb. Now the “great dad” is Superman again, telling her that after the holidays he wants her to leave her home (that she shares with her boyfriend) and go live with him, and live a great life. My mom tells me that this is normal behavior for her age. I know that someday she’ll remove the blinders and see the real truth, and I’ll be here waiting for that day to come.

I just wish this part didn’t have to rip my insides apart, I wish my heart could heal, I wish the pain didn’t have to be this horrific. We have babies and pray that they grow up to be whatever they dream about becoming, if that happens then I have done my job. Until that day I have to find a way to push that pain deep down, and just keep holding on. Love you Melly Belly…

When Evil Has a Soul

You think you know me, you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m so much more than what you see, who you think you know. Some days are good, I’m the bright smile who seems to have no care, no worries. Then there are days like today, these days there’s a secret side that only one has ever really seen, the one person on this Earth that I would never want to hurt.

It gets so ugly, so mean… I hate this personality, she’s so scary that it’s borderline evil. He tries to calm her, but in her mind she’s literally pulling out her hair and screaming so loud, trying so hard to not hurt herself.

The only way to stop this evil is to inflict pain…the only way to save her soul is to block out the entire world, while it spins wildly out of control. It’s so dark and terrible…you don’t know me, and you never will.

Where are you?

Keep smiling…

If you keep smiling they will think you are happy. But, what if everything is not okie dokie? What if I just can’t manage to smile?

It doesn’t mean that I am necessarily unhappy, maybe I just don’t have the energy to smile? What if I’m too tired to get out of this damn bed? What happens when I feel like I’m just too weak to handle anything? What if I feel like I need to heal, like how you have to let your body heal after an injury?

Is it really that horrible if I just don’t want to smile, and maybe I don’t want to tell you “Im good” when you ask how I’m feeling? Do I need to apologise for not feeling like me? I’m so tired, but sleep is so hard to come by some days.

Am I wrong to be angry with the way things go sometimes? I’m trying to be thankful, but I am so tired of being thankful when the one damn thing that would make me so very thankful, is so far from reach? Please, I’m begging, please answer my prayers, please let me know you’re there, please let me feel you deep in my soul.

Where are you?

Baby Steps and Healing

I am feeling something today that’s absolutely wonderful, I feel happy. I was so lost, I lost my hope, my strength, and my faithfulness. I prayed and I cried and I prayed more for the feelings of despair to somehow leave my mind. Months had gone by, and the depression just got worse, and I found myself feeling as if I was trapped in this never ending cycle.

I was so empty, so I prayed again, and my prayers were answered. I feel like I’m in recovery mode, everyday I take baby steps, and my husband has helped me so much. Words cannot describe how much I love this man, he will never know how much he means to me, because words cannot describe how much I love and appreciate him.

He’s my saving grace and the love of my life. So, I will continue to take baby steps, and enjoy life again. All of this was a blessing in disguise, I know now the importance of living a Christ- like life. I’m going to do this knowing that the Lord will guide me, walk by my side and never let me fall.