Happiness… Please Come Home

I have been trying so hard to just go with it, to be patient, and wait for that positive change to finally happen. It’s not happening. I hate this so much, I hate how angry it makes me when things seem so f#$&ing wrong. I know that all good things come to those who wait, I know that I have to wait for the Lord to bless me in his time.

I’m trying so hard to not get angry with the Lord and instead run to him for comfort. This always happens, same way, say feelings, every time! I do good for a while, then I start to get a little annoyed, and then I get pissed. I don’t want to feel this way, I can’t stand it.

The worst part is that it fluctuates, I might feel perfectly fine and the next second I’m so angry. I just want that happy feeling to come back home.

And it will, when it’s time to come home…


Truly Yours…

When we go through this life we face many challenges, hardships, changes and craziness. We also find love. Sometimes it is not the right love, but if you’re truly blessed, you get a once in a lifetime chance to experience true and pure love. This love is like nothing else, it’s so extreme that if you had to imagine life without it, you can actually feel the pain of being apart from it.

Sometimes you may forget how amazing this love is, then you are reminded by something so small and insignificant. You fear this love sometimes because you know if it was taken from you, you would just want it all to end. You can’t imagine how you could keep going, how you could ever smile or feel happiness ever again. So, instead of thinking about it- we don’t, which is wrong to do. If you stop thinking about that love, then you forget to nurture it, and then you face the reality of losing it.

True love needs to be celebrated everyday, it needs recognition everyday, not just every so often. If you have found your true love, hang on tight with all the strength you can muster. Don’t let go, acknowledge it every single day, every single minute and every single second. Love is amazingly beautiful, and without it we’re nothing.

Don’t be a Grinch

I came across a post on Facebook the other day that was about Jesus, and how he died so that we may be forgiven for the many sins we commit throughout our lifetime. Most of the one million plus replies were positive, some even inspiring, but one gentleman strongly disagreed. He stated that those who believe in such nonsense were just simple people with simple minds. After his post there were many replies that followed arguing with the man, and he wasn’t shy about expressing his opinions more.

The first thought that came to my mind was…if you don’t believe then why take the time to even bother with this? To me it was clear that this man’s mission was simply to get a rise out of the other people posting. He had a come back for everything. I truly think he found a state of satisfaction with every new argument, becoming more hurtful and mean with each new reply. I don’t believe that it is my job to shove my religion and beliefs down other people’s throats.

I know that some people have no beliefs, and that is fine, that is their burden, their cross to bare. When I see an opportunity to fellowship with someone, I take advantage and go for it. Basically, I know that the Lord has a plan for me, and if I’m meant to witness or to share my experience, then I take the opportunity with a happy heart. Back to the post, honestly it wasn’t the man’s opinions and views that got to me, it was the replies.

If a person is truly living a Christ-like life, then that person knows that everyone comes to the Lord in their own time, and it cannot be forced. The replies ranged from… you’re going to burn in hell, but I’ll pray for you…the devil’s got you and soon you’ll be burning in an eternal flame of pain, just wishing you had been a better person…to much worse, and sadly to even more hateful and mean comments. I’m sorry but shame on you! That is not how you help to lead someone to the Lord, and how dare you say that you are living a Christ- like life.

Do these people really believe that is how the Lord would want us to behave? Is that how a person shows what Christianity truly is? What a shame, it honestly breaks my heart to see how humanity has lost it’s focus on how to follow in the Lord’s path.


Christmas has always been my favorite season. I love the idea of being with family and celebrating the most important day of the year. This day isn’t about how much money you spend, it’s about celebrating our saviours birth, and it’s about taking the time to let those in your life know how much you love and care for them. This year has been the hardest in quite a while.

A few months ago my oldest daughter (she’s 21) started to blame me as well as my husband, her step-dad who raised her, for every tiny thing that has ever gone wrong in her life. Her biological father came into the picture back when the government found him and finally started to get the child support going, he owes a lot, still collecting to this day. When he came back into her life he made my husband and myself out to be terrible parents who stole her away and with held her from him, complete lie. He’s enjoyed this, and the part that bothers me the most is that my husband raised this girl as his own.

My husband provided her with food, shelter, clothing, health care, and most importantly; love. Now for some reason we are in her cross hairs, the awful parents who just threw her to the curb. Now the “great dad” is Superman again, telling her that after the holidays he wants her to leave her home (that she shares with her boyfriend) and go live with him, and live a great life. My mom tells me that this is normal behavior for her age. I know that someday she’ll remove the blinders and see the real truth, and I’ll be here waiting for that day to come.

I just wish this part didn’t have to rip my insides apart, I wish my heart could heal, I wish the pain didn’t have to be this horrific. We have babies and pray that they grow up to be whatever they dream about becoming, if that happens then I have done my job. Until that day I have to find a way to push that pain deep down, and just keep holding on. Love you Melly Belly…

When Evil Has a Soul

You think you know me, you couldn’t be more wrong. I’m so much more than what you see, who you think you know. Some days are good, I’m the bright smile who seems to have no care, no worries. Then there are days like today, these days there’s a secret side that only one has ever really seen, the one person on this Earth that I would never want to hurt.

It gets so ugly, so mean… I hate this personality, she’s so scary that it’s borderline evil. He tries to calm her, but in her mind she’s literally pulling out her hair and screaming so loud, trying so hard to not hurt herself.

The only way to stop this evil is to inflict pain…the only way to save her soul is to block out the entire world, while it spins wildly out of control. It’s so dark and terrible…you don’t know me, and you never will.

Where are you?

Keep smiling…

If you keep smiling they will think you are happy. But, what if everything is not okie dokie? What if I just can’t manage to smile?

It doesn’t mean that I am necessarily unhappy, maybe I just don’t have the energy to smile? What if I’m too tired to get out of this damn bed? What happens when I feel like I’m just too weak to handle anything? What if I feel like I need to heal, like how you have to let your body heal after an injury?

Is it really that horrible if I just don’t want to smile, and maybe I don’t want to tell you “Im good” when you ask how I’m feeling? Do I need to apologise for not feeling like me? I’m so tired, but sleep is so hard to come by some days.

Am I wrong to be angry with the way things go sometimes? I’m trying to be thankful, but I am so tired of being thankful when the one damn thing that would make me so very thankful, is so far from reach? Please, I’m begging, please answer my prayers, please let me know you’re there, please let me feel you deep in my soul.

Where are you?

Baby Steps and Healing

I am feeling something today that’s absolutely wonderful, I feel happy. I was so lost, I lost my hope, my strength, and my faithfulness. I prayed and I cried and I prayed more for the feelings of despair to somehow leave my mind. Months had gone by, and the depression just got worse, and I found myself feeling as if I was trapped in this never ending cycle.

I was so empty, so I prayed again, and my prayers were answered. I feel like I’m in recovery mode, everyday I take baby steps, and my husband has helped me so much. Words cannot describe how much I love this man, he will never know how much he means to me, because words cannot describe how much I love and appreciate him.

He’s my saving grace and the love of my life. So, I will continue to take baby steps, and enjoy life again. All of this was a blessing in disguise, I know now the importance of living a Christ- like life. I’m going to do this knowing that the Lord will guide me, walk by my side and never let me fall.

And just like that, I fell down…

I had been stuck in this place that challenged me to the point where I finally broke. I will never be able to beat the mental health issues that I have to deal with on a daily basis, I can only try and manage my life the best way possible. I have a lot to live for, my husband and kids are my focal point, they lead me home when I feel so far from home.

Unfortunately, after a long battle with depression these past few months, I became overcome and I fell down deep into the rabbit hole. I had a choice, go inpatient and try to work this out, or stay home and try to get my head right. I was packed and ready to go to check in at 10:00 this morning, an hour before it was time to leave I started having a massive anxiety attack. I’ve been hospitalized, and every one of those experiences had a negative impact on me. Some we’re traumatic.

I decided that I would stay home after sitting down with my husband and talking through my options. Luckily, I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning, and he thinks that there’s more to all of this then just a problem with my mental state. He thinks that my thyroid might be off and that I may need to increase my meds for that.

He also thinks that even though I’m only 39, I am menopausal. I’ve been symptomatic for months now, my primary care doctor was supposed to run a full panel to check my hormones so we could piece this puzzle together. Unfortunately, he only ran a thyroid test, which the results are still pending. So, tomorrow I’m going to get a list of supplements that my doctor thinks will help, I am praying that this is going to make a difference in my life for the better.

I’m thankful that I wasn’t placed under mandatory inpatient care. I need my family in my life every day. I can’t stand to be away from them for more than a day. For any of you who understand what I’m talking about throughout this post, you know the pain that you carry in your heart when you fall down. I hate this feeling, but as long as you have someone in your life who understands that when you fall down it’s not your fault, it makes the healing process easier.

I guess that’s why I keep my life and my issues in my family circle, they understand and never blame me or make me feel like I screwed everything in my life up, including my family.

Thank you for reading, and helping me through your posts to see that I’m not alone in this. We may be talking about different issues, but there always seems to be a common theme.

I know this is a long one…but please if you have a few minutes to spare look it over and let me know what you think…

I feel like the Lord is guiding me while I write tonight. If you’re not religious it’s fine, I go into more detail about that further on in this post. So, please just give it a chance.

Suicide rates are growing everyday, something needs to change, and it needs to start changing now. I started this blog so I could have a way to discuss the issues that I deal with on a daily basis. My prayers are that this “project” will reach those who silently suffer because they are so afraid of what might happen if they open their closet and free all the skeletons that have been crammed in there time after time, year after year. I am willing to be completely open and honest about myself, and I pray that by doing this, somehow I will get the opportunity to help others.

I know that all things happen in the Lord’s time, not mine. I have one follower, my sweet heart daughter, Jillian. I think she started following me just to make me feel better, lol. My hopes are that people do read my posts, and they may want to reply, but fear placing themselves in a vulnerable state. If that’s the case, then I would like to reassure readers that this is a safe place. This is so hard for me to do, but if I don’t share my story, than I will lose out on the incredible opportunity to not only find healing for myself; but I would also be taking away an opportunity for others to find their chance for growth, positive change, happiness, healing and wellness.

The worst part about telling your story is that you may feel like people are going to judge you without even taking the time to get to know you, that’s not going to happen here. I have to allow for comments to be shared on my blog, I would never give a bully access to this page. This is my safe space where I come to let everything out, I can’t keep these things inside anymore, I’m only hurting myself if I do. So, here I am at 2:16 am because I’m manic and can’t sleep. How many people out there know what I am talking about and going through? If you get it, I feel for you, big-time. On a positive note, it might give you a chance to come across this blog and come to find it interesting, and something you may want to be a part of. That would be awesome!

We have to find the strength to help others by sharing our stories. I can talk all day long, but I would love to see others telling their stories, and you only need to discuss what you feel comfortable with. So, let’s look at the reality of the situation… we are losing so many people to suicide; from our nations veterans, the homeless, our own children, family members and friends, to people who we’ve never even met. This epidemic happens every single day. I want to address this tonight.

Like I told my daughter, I don’t need followers. My hope is that people read the posts, and find that even if they aren’t affected personally with the topics I’m posting, they may know someone that can relate to this- which will hopefully result in the kind Samaritan, family member, and/or friends to tell their loved ones about this blog, and explain how they may benefit from this. If I can reach at least one person, one person out of the millions, I would never take that blessing for granted.

I know I can’t save people, but I pray that I can somehow, whether it be through a post or a conversation, be a guide for the ones who might be too afraid to seek help. It’s 2017, with all the craziness in this world that is acceptable, why feel fear when thinking about letting someone in. Your life may be in turmoil, but if you want to get help, I will help you as much as I possibly can. I would love to speak with you about what issues you’re facing, and I would be honored to research doctors and clinics in your area that treat the specific issues you’re facing.

(sidenote to clarify what I mentioned earlier- I am a Christian, I do attend church regularly, and I do have faith in my Lord. Here’s the thing, I’m not going to push my religious beliefs onto anyone, that’s unfair and would completely destroy what I stand for, as well as destroying the reasoning behind why I started this blog. Religion is not something that we have to agree upon. If you don’t practice religion, I’m still going to be there for you, no matter what. I want you to know that I am not only open about my health issues, I’m open about my beliefs also. I actually find that prayers are a very important part of my personal healing. So, if you want you can ignore my openness about my beliefs, on the flip side, if you’re curious about my beliefs, I would be more than happy to talk with you more about it). My prayers and hopes tonight are that this blog in some way, overtime, helps at least one person. When that one person is able to reach down deep, and find the strength to pursue the help they need, they will find themselves feeling empowered and capable to utilize knowledge and experience during the healing process. This in turn will help to strengthen the mind and body, resulting in positive changes in their life.

I’m going to finish up for tonight, I didn’t expect to have a post this in depth and so far from where I was going to take it. For the believers out there, this was a divine intervention of drastic proportions, lol! Good night all!!


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